1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
