Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
