She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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