worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
