I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
