Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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