the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
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