i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Randomize
