There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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