Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Randomize
