I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
I came so hard my ears popped.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
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