Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
