Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize
