oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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