My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
And my parents said I crawled through the house
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
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