I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
