I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
areolas are like halos for boobs.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I'm experimenting with sincerity
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
