The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Randomize
