I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
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