You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
