New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
