Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
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