I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
it's like heaven, but drunker
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Randomize
