Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize
