I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
