I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
So many bounce houses so little time
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
