remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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