Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
