Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
