I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
I just pynch a tree in the face
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
We are all done wearing pants today
Randomize
