He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
