I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
