our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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