Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
