Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
