U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
