thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
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