You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
