p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
