There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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