i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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