dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
