Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Randomize
