I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Randomize
