I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
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