Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
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