I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
