he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
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