happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
