When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Randomize
