Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
