Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
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