Quick, to the slutcave!
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
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